Right now I just want to bash my fucking head in, kick the fucking cat, punch the fucking wall, puke out everything I just ate and everything I drank, I just want to have the energy to ride but still have the pain in breathing, I just want to fucking GO, just go and go and go, and not look back or turn around, I want to get out of my head, I want to get out of my mind, out of this place, out of this time, I want to just get rid of everything in my mind that brings me down, I want to sit there and smile and eat some fucking pizza and ride bikes and cuddle and kiss and hug and watch movies and dance and just fucking do anything, but I just don’t want the good times to ever end, and if they have to I want them to end well, or at least “end” well before the next time… I want to go away smiling, with a smile on your face too… I want to bash my fucking head in, pop it on the wall, go get hit by a car in traffic, punch you all in the fucking jaws… I want to get rid of all this anger… all this annoyance… all this pain… I just want to fucking have people say “don’t kill yourself you’re a wonderful person” BECAUSE NO IM FUCKING NOT! “Ryan”, he’s a piece of fucking shit, he’s an ass hole, he’s a scumbag, he really only cares for a few people and everyone else can just go fuck themselves… he hates everything… I just cant control my mind, or emotions, or thoughts, or actions… I just want to die… but then I dont want to… I dont want to lose you, any of you, even the fucking people who annoy the sdfoisdfsdfh out of me… life isnt worth it to me… but its worth so much… I cant let go… but I dont want to hold on… I dont want to die or to kill myself… but I want to fucking end it… and that’s why I am who I am… thats why I wreck everything up sooner or later… thats why I cant ever make people happy without hurting them… I always fuck things up… because that’s all I am… thats all I ever was… a fuck up… shit… my own parents didnt even want me… and to think that you guys care just a fucking little bit… my friends… my girlfriend… the people who know more about me than I thought… I fucking love having you in my life, and really you’re what I consider my family… one day I might lose you all… but I dont ever want that day to come… and it will… and it’ll be my fault… but it’s just so tragic… I cant even fucking make the people I care about happy… I annoy them… I upset them… I push and hold on to things for so long… I expect things I know wont happen… and I hate myself… I dont want attention or care… I just dont want to be alone… I just dont want the drama and the pain and the fucking cancerous shit hole that life is… I want to be numb and ignorant… I want to be blissful and cheery… I want happiness, and I dont want it bound to just you… because if you know youre the only thing that makes me happy… what kind of a loser am I? to place everything on you… never expecting you to make me happy or to make things better… you just always do… everything she does is magical… no matter how little… but if I count my chickens before they hatch… if I have all my happiness dependent on you… what does that really say about my mental health… my emotional health… and then what does any of that matter? I hate myself… I hate my family… I hate my life… I’m just a fucking smiley shadow lined up with all the other cogs in the machine… wanting a difference but never doing anything about it… and I could go out again tonight… try to get hit by a car again… try to swallow to many pills like a cry for help… but I dont want help… I just want happiness… I dont want to say that I want to love you forever or have you love me forever… but sometimes thats all I want… and it always seems like its not right to say… like its too soon… and its too clingy… but I dont know anymore… I just dont fucking know… really think everything would be easier… for everyone else… if I was just dead and gone a long time ago… because I’m only an annoyance… I’m just a fucking loser… and I don’t even care any more… not about myself at least… not like I should… because emotionless tears can fall from my cold eyes and my blank expression… and it wont matter to anyone… that someone can be alone and so sad and depressed even when everything looks so good in their life… god damn I hate myself…

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