this being again my personal keep-safe for all my thoughts and emotions, right?
8/29/2012, Tuesday, Decent Weather…
Started off well, got to wake up early to a good morning text from Alicia (it’s just a text ryan, it’s not that big of a deal; well italicized mental criticism, it’s a text from her, I love her, and the second best thing to waking up by her side is waking up to a good morning from her, but lets not continue to veer off…) actually ate breakfast this morning, something quick but breakfast none the less, turned on some music, brushed my teeth (after a shower, yes, yes, after a shower indeed), and then dashed out the door a neighborhood over to give Alicia a hug and a kiss and get a few seconds together before the in-pour of late-for-the-bus kids trying their best to get to the very machine that brings them to the place they all loath so much… but it was a nice morning ride as well.
We sat together as we most normally do, sometimes hand in hand, sometimes just side by side, but this morning (after a little talking) we simply sat, resting our heads, hers on my shoulder, mine on her head (softly of course… for comfort not to drill nails in with our skulls…). But it was a serene feeling, knowing everything else in the world was still going, but not worrying about it in the slightest, just being happy to have the girl I love by my side, she was the only thing that mattered.
Then school, alas the wonderful building (hell…)… We went to my locker and placed our books away, then to hers to repeat the ritual, following the (almost ironic…) following of Maggie for a slight time… Going back downstairs eventually for a kiss-on-the-cheek goodbye and a venture to our separate clases.
Right there, that leave, that goodbye, that sudden realization and reimbursement to the world… it wasn’t bad… but not pleasant… to go back to the normal day… but carrying on lead to the ride home, a mostly comforting and occasionally awkward ride home… It didnt go at all as thought… (because her friend needed to talk to her ryan, get over it)…
But then the return home, getting back to talking, skyping, enjoying time with her…
I realize I love her, I love her more than I care for myself or my existence… I may love her too much, but I love her with all that I feel I can. I feel that if I ever were to lose her I’d lose a part of myself. I’d lose myself… I’d lose my mind.
Right now I just want to bash my fucking head in, kick the fucking cat, punch the fucking wall, puke out everything I just ate and everything I drank, I just want to have the energy to ride but still have the pain in breathing, I just want to fucking GO, just go and go and go, and not look back or turn around, I want to get out of my head, I want to get out of my mind, out of this place, out of this time, I want to just get rid of everything in my mind that brings me down, I want to sit there and smile and eat some fucking pizza and ride bikes and cuddle and kiss and hug and watch movies and dance and just fucking do anything, but I just don’t want the good times to ever end, and if they have to I want them to end well, or at least “end” well before the next time… I want to go away smiling, with a smile on your face too… I want to bash my fucking head in, pop it on the wall, go get hit by a car in traffic, punch you all in the fucking jaws… I want to get rid of all this anger… all this annoyance… all this pain… I just want to fucking have people say “don’t kill yourself you’re a wonderful person” BECAUSE NO IM FUCKING NOT! “Ryan”, he’s a piece of fucking shit, he’s an ass hole, he’s a scumbag, he really only cares for a few people and everyone else can just go fuck themselves… he hates everything… I just cant control my mind, or emotions, or thoughts, or actions… I just want to die… but then I dont want to… I dont want to lose you, any of you, even the fucking people who annoy the sdfoisdfsdfh out of me… life isnt worth it to me… but its worth so much… I cant let go… but I dont want to hold on… I dont want to die or to kill myself… but I want to fucking end it… and that’s why I am who I am… thats why I wreck everything up sooner or later… thats why I cant ever make people happy without hurting them… I always fuck things up… because that’s all I am… thats all I ever was… a fuck up… shit… my own parents didnt even want me… and to think that you guys care just a fucking little bit… my friends… my girlfriend… the people who know more about me than I thought… I fucking love having you in my life, and really you’re what I consider my family… one day I might lose you all… but I dont ever want that day to come… and it will… and it’ll be my fault… but it’s just so tragic… I cant even fucking make the people I care about happy… I annoy them… I upset them… I push and hold on to things for so long… I expect things I know wont happen… and I hate myself… I dont want attention or care… I just dont want to be alone… I just dont want the drama and the pain and the fucking cancerous shit hole that life is… I want to be numb and ignorant… I want to be blissful and cheery… I want happiness, and I dont want it bound to just you… because if you know youre the only thing that makes me happy… what kind of a loser am I? to place everything on you… never expecting you to make me happy or to make things better… you just always do… everything she does is magical… no matter how little… but if I count my chickens before they hatch… if I have all my happiness dependent on you… what does that really say about my mental health… my emotional health… and then what does any of that matter? I hate myself… I hate my family… I hate my life… I’m just a fucking smiley shadow lined up with all the other cogs in the machine… wanting a difference but never doing anything about it… and I could go out again tonight… try to get hit by a car again… try to swallow to many pills like a cry for help… but I dont want help… I just want happiness… I dont want to say that I want to love you forever or have you love me forever… but sometimes thats all I want… and it always seems like its not right to say… like its too soon… and its too clingy… but I dont know anymore… I just dont fucking know… really think everything would be easier… for everyone else… if I was just dead and gone a long time ago… because I’m only an annoyance… I’m just a fucking loser… and I don’t even care any more… not about myself at least… not like I should… because emotionless tears can fall from my cold eyes and my blank expression… and it wont matter to anyone… that someone can be alone and so sad and depressed even when everything looks so good in their life… god damn I hate myself…
They’re in the doorway just sort of standing there… they don’t like me talking about them… tall slender, skinny, almost skin and bones skinny… if they even had a human figure… they sort of resemble a twice as tall Joseph Gordon-Levitt with no eyes, and no hair, and no mouth, and no nose, jute pail skin, dark almost jump suit like cloths… and they’ve always yelled or screamed or been mad… when I think happy thoughts or talk about you or them they’ve always been upset… but they almost smile now… they seem like they’re here to help… not to hurt… they’re just there… just standing in the doorway like my mom and dad would when I was a little kid… just sort of admiring what Im becoming… hopefully proud of what they’re little screw up psycho become and not happy that I’m some terrible monster… I think they’re okay with how things are going… they don’t bother me with you… when I think of you… when I wonder what tomorrow might hold… they’ve calmed down in a sense… they just don’t seem to want me like they did… they don’t want me to do what they did before… they just want me to live… and it’s so wonderful… Mon/Jul/30/2012
So, what if everything you thought was reality was actually a huge lie? What if I told you everything you do is predetermined. Everything you do is set in stone, or set in a spiderweb path. You can think you chose the choices. But they’re all predetermined. You’re entire life is filled with horrible let downs from glorious triumphs. All your depression, all your pain, everything you’ve ever disliked in your life, from the names you were called, to the way you look in the mirror every now and then; it’s all part of the plan, part of the show. Every interaction you make with everyone, it’s a lie. No one loves you. No one likes you. No one knows you. They just act, they’re all just intelligent pawns. The omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient life forces existence controls everything you do, gives you the ability of free will, but it does not exist. Everyone is a lie. Everything is futile. You will die.
Sometimes I sit here and I ponder, just for hours on end, what is reality? Do we exist? Are we real?
And it really doesn’t matter to me.
We’re all here, weather or not we’re actually here does not matter.
I feel, I think, I breath, I eat, and on occasion, I sleep.
But maybe I’m the puppet? Or you are?
Maybe my life is so truman show eqs that I am but a speck in the dust.
Maybe you’re all actors. Paid to talk to me, to act like you care or don’t.
Maybe all social interactions with me are such great big lies.
What do I know?
How do I know that I love someone who is really there? Or hate someone who exists? How do I know it’s not all in my head? I don’t.
You don’t exist.
I don’t exist.
This isn’t a dream.
This is nothing.